Perfectionists: What are they?

It's been some week, I tells ya...

Let's talk about exactly who and what a perfectionist is, shall we?

What is a perfectionist?

It sounds simple, but apparently this is a really confusing topic for many.

In my opinion, a perfectionist is anyone who puts an unhealthy amount of focus on things being done "right" or "good enough" in OTHER people's point of view.

There's a reason "other" is in bold. That's because there is a fine line between being highly motivated and being a perfectionist. One is really good for you, and one is awful for you, and it's insanely easy to slip onto the other side of the tracks!

A motivated person....

• Wants to do things a certain way to satisfy THEMSELF
  
• Has high standards that they set THEMSELF
  
• Even when things are wrong, has confidence in THEMSELF
  
• Wants to be proud of THEMSELF and their good job
  

Seeing a pattern?

A perfectionist...

• Wants to satisfy OTHERS*
  
• Sets their standards based on what OTHERS think
  
• Has very little confidence in themselves**
  
• Cares more about praise from OTHERS than being proud of themselves***
  

You may have noticed a few asterisks!

*What's wrong with wanting to please others?

Answer: Absolutely nothing! That's the problem!

Many people suffer from certain addictions and disorders that are extremely hard to kick because of one reason: They have to be around that stimulant all the time because it's NORMAL.

• Overeaters can't avoid food. You have to eat to live!
• People addicted to prescription medications, especially pain pills, are going to have to take them at some point to be healthy!
• And perfectionists have to live in society, which sometimes means doing for others to get by and be a good person!

**But I thought perfectionists were super confident!

Ba-loney. Let me tell you why:

If a person is exuding confidence from every pore, do you really think they would fret over making a simple mistake? Would they care if they looked a little silly every once in a while?

The answer is HECK NO!

We've all seen a sitcom at some point. When you see the stereotypical "cool kid", who is presented as the one with the most confidence (may not be true but whatever), what do they always say in the face of adversity?

"Eh, whatever. I don't care."

Now THAT'S some confidence. It may not always work out well in real life, but it's confident. No joke.

A perfectionist would never say something like that! (and if they do, they are a certain type that will be discussed later) There is no "eh, whatever" in Perfect Land. If it ain't right, then erase it from history and start over until it is. That's not confidence, that's fear. Fear of letting everyone see your "failures". But we all screw up, and no one should be that hard on themselves. Real confidence would be saying that you did YOUR best, even if it's not THE best. And liking it.

***Wanting praise is natural!

Sure is. You should never knock someone for wanting a little human attention. It is natural, and you need it. We're social creatures, no matter what you believe. We need a little validation from our peers every now and again to reassure us that we're doing a good job. If you've ever researched psychology, you'll learn that most prominent theories list this as something a human needs for mental health and stability.

That's why I cringe at the term "attention-whore". I understand what it means. People who are called that can be very very very annoying, it's true. But if you really think about why they do that, you'd probably feel sorry for them.

They are reaching out for a basic human need that they haven't been getting. Even though they are, obviously, going about it the wrong way. But that's still pretty sad.
I wouldn't kick a starving man for trying to swindle some food out of me, and even though I may want to give an "attention-whore" a nice roundhouse sometimes, I wouldn't do that, either.



But where is the line between the healthy outreach for praise and the unhealthy clutching of a perfectionist?
Where the only praise that matters is other people's praise.

That's not good. You can get praise from others, but many people don't realize that you can also praise yourself! You don't need anyone to tell you you did a good job every single time you do something because YOU can do that! You're always there for YOU, even when no one is around.

Sometimes people won't notice what you did. Or they won't know how hard you worked to do it. Or they won't think it's that big a deal. Or they're too busy to congratulate you. Or sometimes they just genuinely don't like it. Or hate it! These are all normal and extremely painful if you're waiting around for people to validate you all day. You need praise from others, but you don't need it all the time, and it's not the only praise.

You are important to you, so what you say matters! Your self-praise is just as good as anyone else's!

Be more respectful of yourself, because you are no less worthy of telling yourself "good job" than anyone else. In fact, it matters more if YOU say it! Because who are they, right? Other humans. Big deal. You're the person who knows more about you, how hard you worked, how much you cared, and how close you got to the goal than anyone else. That's something special. Be better to yourself and give yourself praise. Appreciation from others is sweet, but appreciating yourself is so much sweeter.